Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Future Hates Me.

I want progress, of course, and I dislike the notion that progress may not be an option.  That bothers me a lot.  It makes me feel like I'm moving backwards.  It makes me feel that I am making myself less and less prepared for an uncertain future.  Of course, the present is uncertain, and the present requires attention.  I need to learn how to allow myself to let the future take care of itself.

Of course, the problem I have with that is that if I let the future take care of itself, then I'm never going to move in the directions I want.  I do not believe that the future takes care of itself.  Further, I have a strong paranoia that the future is out to get me, it is out to block my progress in any way possible.  I believe that every step forward is a struggle against invisible opponents who want to prevent me from doing what I want, from being where I want to be, from accomplishing the things I want to accomplish.  The future is a guardian monster who wants to keep me in place, keep me servile, keep me worthless and weak.  The future does not want to see my success, my abilities, my happiness.  The future is concerned only with my pain, disappointment, and misery.  The future hates me and everything I stand for.  It is only by some miracle, no, not miracle, not grace, it is only by force of will that I am able to stand here today and claim as mine anything that I've taken, by force, from the future.

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